In two weeks’ time a year will have passed since Beatrice was stillborn. An entire twelve months. This time last year I was still pregnant and we were blissfully unaware that baby loss could happen to normal, happy people like us. When I look back I think of how quickly this year has seemed to have gone, but also how incredibly long some of those days have really felt.
So what will we do to remember Beatrice on her birthday/ anniversary? That’s another thing, do I call it her Birthday as she was born (still) on that day, even though she wasn’t and won’t be around to ever celebrate this date? On the other hand anniversary just sounds so cold and detached. I’m not sure I agree with either name at the moment. A few months ago, when I was still at counselling I really wanted to have something organised. A big garden party with tea and cakes for our family and friends, where we could raise some funds for a charity. However as the weeks have crept closer and closer to the 8th September, I’m starting to feel that heavy weight of grief creeping back and pulling me under, and so anything that requires careful planning and us hosting just feels too much.
Instead, in true Jamie and Lauren style we’ve decided to just escape it all and so have booked a week to St Ives, Cornwall. It may seem a bit strange booking a week away for a period when we know we’re going to feel heartbroken all over again and highly likely to burst into tears at the drop of a hat, but our reasoning was that if we’re going to be upset, we might as well be upset somewhere beautiful. At least this way we’ll (hopefully) have a bit more inspiration to get up and get out of the house for some exploring in the fresh sea air. There really is something both refreshing and yet soothing about being by the sea and so we’re both keen to take this time out to just be.
We still want to celebrate Beatrice as our daughter and the fact that she was and still very much is a huge part of our lives. And so I’m sure there will be tea and cake at least once in the week – there has to be because there’s a birthday, and maybe a cold cider on the beach whilst we watch the sunset. Mostly though we will just be thinking of how much we miss and love her, without any of the typical pressures of life distracting us. We know all our friends and family will be thinking of litle Bea too.
So for the next two weeks we’ll just be taking life day by day, and simply trying to get through this tricky period. No agenda, no real plans for what we’ll do in Cornwall or for what we’ll do on the 8th itself. If anyone else is thinking of Beatrice in these next two weeks and would like to do something to help, please can I ask you to follow this link; https://www.justgiving.com/Tracy-Morrison3 and consider sponsoring my amazing mum who is running the Great North Run, the biggest half marathon in the world. My mum is running on the 8th September not only in memory of Beatrice, but also in memory of friend’s babies too. She’s raising money for SANDS – Stillbirth and Neonatal Death Charity, to not only remember babies gone too soon, but to help save the lives of other babies.
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Sending you lots of love. I just hit 6 months since my stillbirth last week and it seems unreal that it ever occurred. Except there is the huge hole in my heart and I find myself wondering what I would I be doing right now if Colton was here. Be kind to yourself. You’re in my thoughts.
Hi RJ, it does still feel very surreal most of the time, a bit like – did that really happen? And then it hits out of the blue and it’s like it was yesterday. I hope you’re getting all the support you need. Xxx